Numb
by adpi24
Summary: Sara thinks about how her life has been since the explosion.


Numb

Based of the Linkin Park lyrics for 'Numb' off of their Meteora album

Disclaimer: Don't own anything

AN: Season 1-4, especially season 4, is fair game. This is about Sara and her feelings. Slight spoilers but not a lot.

Episode Spoiler Alert: Homebodies, Feeling the Heat, Pledging Mr. Johnson

Special thanks to Julie for betaing this for me

*~*~*

**I'm tired of being what you want me to be**

**Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface**

**I don't know what you're expecting of me**

**Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes…**

**Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow…**

**Every step that I take is another mistake to you…**

**Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow…**

Everything is so screwed up. My relationship with Grissom is a mess. Catherine is livid around me. Warrick is getting fed up with me. Greg tries to keep me laughing, but it only works momentarily. Then there is Nick.  He is trying to be a friend. Trying so hard, but I keep pushing him away. I am short with him, to the point of being a complete bitch.  He has tried to be a friend, to silently support me, but even his patience is wearing thin.

Ever since the explosion back in May, almost five months ago, I've been walking around in a haze.  Grissom's rejection of me, hardened me.  He made me turn into a person I never wanted to become. How did I get this way? How did I get to this point?

**I've become so numb, I can't feel you there**

**I've become so tired, so much more aware**

**By becoming this all I want to do**

**Is be more like me and less like you**

Nick always told me that I threw myself too much into work. I was mimicking Grissom, trying to become him. Make him realize that I wasn't just a student of his anymore, but that I was and am a woman. A woman that I wanted him to desire. I became Grissom.  No life outside work, devoted to work.  Yeah, I dated Hank, but only after Nick insisted that I get out more. Since Nick is my best friend I decided 'what the hell' and took his advice.  During the time I was 'dating' Hank, I actually began to enjoy life more. I enjoyed not working overtime, hanging out with friends, going to the movies. In the end it turned out horribly wrong. I put my trust in Hank and instead he turned out to be a louse who was using me to cheat on his steady girlfriend.  

After Hank and I broke up, I became Grissom again. I threw myself back into work. I ignored Nick's offered to talk. I wanted to deal with Hank's betrayal on my own time and my own terms.  

Then came the day of the explosion. I don't even know why I was following Grissom to his office. I just wanted to discuss what was going on between us. I never in a million years expected him to reject my dinner invitation.  He was forthright, answered with a 'no' in seconds. No thought, no hesitation; just no.  He said he didn't know how to deal with 'this'. I didn't realize until that moment that my feelings were a 'this' to him.  It was at that moment that I realized that he didn't return my feelings. I haven't been this hurt by a man in years.

**Can't you see that you're smothering me?**

**Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control**

**Cuz everything that you thought I would be**

**Has fallen apart right in front of you…**

**Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow…**

**Every step that I take is another mistake to you…**

**Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow…**

**And every second I braced is more than I can take!**

I was so pissed at Grissom for not telling us about his surgery to fix his hearing. I again felt betrayed by a man that I was 'supposed' to be in love with.

I made a command decision. I didn't want to be Grissom anymore. I wanted to be me, Sara.

I began to go out more, even if it was just with friends.

June, July and August were great months for me. Then September came. Everything changed for me in September.

My feelings for Nick changed.  

The Suzanna Kirkwood rape/murder changed me.

Starting with Nick, I had always known that he was handsome, I'd have to be blind to not realize this.  Hell, I've flirted with him on more than one occasion and he returned the flirting full scale.

My perception of Nick began to change once I found out he was in a fraternity in college. As I told him when I found out 'here I had all this respect for you'. I began to compare Nick to those fraternity boys that we put behind bars for hazing.  Even though I felt I should pull away from him, I continued to flirt with him and our friendship grew.

Then the Kirkwood case happened.

I found out Nick was and is a jock.  I hate jocks. I despise them. But did that mean I had to despise Nick? 

I became short with him. I became hard around him.  

All I wanted to do was my job. There was no time for interruptions. No time for friendship, for fun.

Catherine became pissed at me and insisted that I need to see a therapist of some kind because I have issues. 

If only she knew, if only anyone knew.

**I've become so numb, I can't feel you there**

**I've become so tired, so much more aware**

**By becoming this all I want to do**

**Is be more like me and be less like you**

November came around. I'm still short and hard with people. I know that this is something that I have to deal with on my own time. 

I can do it alone, I've been dealing with it alone for over ten years now.

I'm just starting to hate myself. I hate how I'm treating Nick, but there is no way in hell I can let him in. I can't allow that to happen.

Now here I am, sitting alone in my apartment, contemplating my life.

How sad is that?

The phone rings, I decide to ignore it and let the machine pick up.

"Sara its Nick. I just wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier today. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. If you need anything, anything at all please don't hesitate to call me, anytime. Bye"

For some reason I start to cry. I hardly ever cry.

Here Nick is calling and apologizing to me, when I should be apologizing to him.

**And I know I may end the feeling too**

**But I know you were just like me when someone disappointed **

**In you…**

Can I tell Nick what I've been going though?

Can I trust him?

'Of course you can' the voice in my head replies

Will he understand? Can he understand?

I'm so tired of pushing him away, tired of pushing everyone away.

I've kept this secret to myself since I was 21, can I tell anyone, let alone Nick now years later?

I sit and contemplate my situation for I don't even know how long. 

I eventually look up at my clock and see that I've been sitting in silence thinking for over two hours. 

I stand up and walk over to my phone and dial a familiar number.

The phone rings and a familiar, friendly yet tired voice answers

"Hey Nick, it's Sara. Do you think you could come over? I really need to talk to you. It's important"

"Sure, I'll be there in twenty minutes"

"Thanks"

I put the phone back in it's cradle and walk back over to the couch.

I can do this

I can tell Nick my secret

I need to tell Nick my secret

I sit down and patiently wait for Nick to show up. For the first time in two months, I feel the hardness that I've grown accustomed to slowly begin to leave my body. I feel the Grissom in me starting to vacate my body and I smile.

**I've become so numb, I can't feel you there**

**I've become so tired, so much more aware**

**By becoming this all I want to do**

**Is be more like me and be less like you**

**I've become so numb, I can't feel you there**

**I'm tired of being what you want me…**

**I've become so numb, I can't feel you there**

**I'm tired of being what you want me…**


End file.
